Starting Over.. First Stop.Self Exam
When the rug of love is pulled right from under your feet.
So it has been a couple months since my last blog, and looking back over the last couple months has been a rough ride. However, I believe that God takes everyone through something to teach them something. This was my lesson. I have become a stronger person throughout this whole situation. I gained some of my confidence back as a woman, and I learned to get back to the basics in my life mostly through praying hard. Present day I can say that I feel good at this point in my life. I am scheduled to deliver on Nov. 11th at 8pm. I am looking forward to meeting my new angel Laila, and embracing the joys of being a mom all over again. As for her father and I. We have since overcome the anger and hurt that we went through during the breakup. We are now able to communicate and work together as parents without any disagreements. After my babyshower, I realized that I have so many friends and a family that loves me, that I shouldnt have any stress or concerns about just one person. His mother was even included in the shower, which helped me to overcome my sadness and hurt. I am now confident that we can co-parent together without any drama. We can now laugh and talk to each other like normal, which is what I always wanted from the beginning. I guess we had to get through the hurt first. It helped that I had positive people in my life to give encouragement and support through love. One of my closest friends helped me see things from a marriage standpoint, and helped me see some of my flaws. She truly showed me the meaning of what it takes to work toward being married, and what I can do my next time around to work toward possibly getting marriaged. I am truly greatful for her and the wisdom she gives me. She even called my ex at one point and talked to him. How she gets people to open up, I have no clue. As I prepare for this new journey, I thank God everyday for his grace. I pray that as I embark on this new adventure, he will keep me humble and prayerful throught it all. I can honestly say…… I am in a happy place in my life right now. Looking forward to better days ahead.
It was just a matter of time before I stopped hearing from my ex completly. Those days of calling everyday or every other day are over. I knew it would get to that point, I just didnt know when. Lately, he wont call from his cell phone either. Only from work, or send a text message. These type of acts let me know that he has most likely moved on. I just dont understand how a person can move on so fast. The thing is.. I feel as though someone was already there, which is why he couldnt commit to me totally during our relationship. Its like his mind was already somewhere else. So now, I rarely hear from him. Part of me feels like he was only calling so he didnt look like the bad guy. So if asked, he can say “Yeah I call and check on her”. The last time he called me was from work. He asked as usual, if I needed anything. I actually said apple juice this time. Well I waited a couple days, and he never called or said anything about bringing it. I was so irritated with that, because its like.. Why ask me, if you are just doing it not to look bad. Long story short, he said he didnt remember talking to me about juice, apologized, and then he brought over water and juice that same night. I havent heard from him since. He doesnt even ask how the baby is doing. Last time we spoke, I explained to him that I had been having contractions, and today I had a DR appointment. I would think that if someone cares, they would call and ask how things went. But thats just me. I think at this point, the hardest part in all this is that he has moved on so quickly and easily. It truly has be doubting whether this was ever love.. on his end. I feel like I was all in, but he was there out of obligation for the pregnancy. I cant tell for sure if someone was there before I ended the relationship, but I cant explain someone moving on that quickly within 2 months. I know that men dont waste any time, but to completly forget about me in the process? Thats the part that hurts. What also hurts is that he can make time for this person. How?? If I can admit anything from my relationship, it was that I constantly asked for time. The one thing that I wanted from him most. So now.. Someone else is going to be lucky enough to have his time. It seems like he moves on to someone new every 6 months. So its just a matter of time before I will probably have to face a new woman. It seems like the way that he is, Im sure he will enjoy getting back at me for hurting him. Almost like he wants me to see him with someone new. I just keep praying that before that moment comes, I am over this enough to not allow it to take over my emotions. I pray to God daily for inner peace. I pray that he helps me to not think about who he is with, and what he is doing for someone new. This just makes me feel like I did with my first child’s father. He stopped calling after he broke up with me. At this point, I dont expect much. I just hope that when the baby gets here, he at least shows her that he cares. Checks in more often than none to see how she is doing. Only time will tell at this point.
I got a call today about one of my girlfriends, who just had a baby boy on Tuesday. They are rushed him to the ICU, because he isn’t eating and has a fever. They think he may have some type of infection. One thing is for sure, babies are innocent. They are so small and helpless, and are unable to defend themselves against so many things. I am praying for him, as well as my friend and fiancé. This situation has also confirmed some things for me. Life is too short to be worried about foolishness! You don’t know what the future holds for anyone, but to spend life worrying about other people is a waste. We (Myself included) take for granted what blessings we do have. This has kinda shaken me up a little, because I am also expecting. I have also been stressing over my own life throughout my pregnant. I have been selfish, and haven’t been doing my job as a mom to protect the child in my womb from stress. She is most important at this point. I am done with the stress, and anything that may come my way. I will continue to pray for my friends little angel, and hope that everything is Ok.
A very close friend of mine made something clear as day to me yesterday. I need to get over the fact that my ex will probably never…ever… Be my friend. She explained that if it was her, she wouldn’t want to be friends either. Who in their right mind breaks up with someone, and then wants to be friends?? Well.. Me! She explained that he is upset that I left him. Men don’t like that. Then to top it off I left him while I was pregnant. He looks foolish if people ask where is your girlfriend, and he has to say we broke up. I guess I never looked at it like that. I am hurt too! But I feel like life is too short to be angry. Especially considering we have to get along for our child. I’m just trying to make the process less uncomfortable. It’s like he wants a reason for me to piss him off, so he can curse me out.. Or hurt my feelings every chance he gets. I’m sure he knows that not calling or at least checking on his child hurts me. It doesn’t matter though. I’m over it. I remember when we were driving to NY to get his kids.. And we had just had a huge fight.. And at the end of it I said I still wanted to go with him to NY. As we were riding up, I said to him.. Let’s promise that if we don’t wok out, that we will be friends and keep things civil. He agreed. My how things change. Ah well.. It’s nothing I can do about it. I made a decision based on how the relationship had been going since Nov.2011. I kept trying to work things out. I kept getting my heart hurt during the process. Especially during such a sensative time. You would think he would try harder to make things work. He doesn’t even ask how things are going with his unborn child. Then again, why would he. He has never really acknowledged anything I have said pertaining to the baby anyway. He only acknowledges his current children. I think that’s the part that hurts me the most. Then again, men do it all the time. In any event, I am not going to go out of my way to keep being nice to someone when it’s clear that they could care less.
But damn it’s hard not to! It has gotten to the point where it is pointless to even try to talk to this man… Be nice.. Normal.. Whatever you want to call it. No matter how nice I try to be to him, I still get crap handed back to me. I can’t do this anymore.. At this point if he never calls again, I will be just fine. I can’t understand how a person could really be this bitter.. Life is too short to have to deal with this mess. I understand why people treat him like they do, because if you are on his bad side.. He is a real jerk. Someone who makes life difficult for you. This is too much, and I definitely didn’t sign up for the Young & The restless.. Pure drama. For now I will wait for Laila to get here, and deal with it then. She is my main focus at this point.
Im over it.. I have to realize things will never go back to the way they were. As much as I miss the friendship we had, and how we used to be as friends.. He probably will never be able to have a normal relationship like we did. Even if its something simple like talking on the phone like friends. I had gotten used to him calling everyday. For a minute I thought I saw a little glimmer of a friendship rebuilding..Hadnt heard from him, so I text to check on him.. He said he tried to call but it didnt go through. Bad signal. Nothing has really changed, so I will leave things alone. I dont understand the up and down of how we communicate with each other. I havent changed.. Im still being nice.. Its like one minute he can talk to me.. others he is distant again. Maybe he has moved on, and is waiting for the day that baby gets here. So I have no other choice other than to just let things be the way they are, and move on.
Well… It has been almost 6 weeks since I made the decision to end my relationship. Next week I will officially be 7 months, and each day I am trying to get better. I can honestly say that I have my good days and my bad days.. It seems that my good days are starting to out weigh the bad. At one point he was calling everday since he came to get his things. Im not sure what changed him to call that often. Maybe it was becuase he physically saw me, I dont know.. However I havent heard from him in the last couple days.. I have learned not to get my hopes up that he will call me all the time. This way I am not let down when he doesnt. I think he said that he was doing his daughters birthday party this weekend. I think about how he was planning for it, and was so excited. I was supposed to be there.. It seems like I missed out on alot of stuff that we were supposed to do. I think of how someone else could be taking my place.. It bothers me a little, but I am learning to get through it. My heart still loves him.. My heart still misses him.. I think about how I wish things were different. I wish we had time to get to know each other, and not thrown into a situation to make such quick decisions. I went to a birthday party yesterday, and someone said something to me that made alot of sense. Maybe God only brought us together to allow me to get pregnant. Maybe he wasnt the one for me from the beginning. I still struggle at times that my life didnt turn out the way that I wanted it to. I have to learn to accept that this is how it will be. The other day my mom said that I sounded like her.. And what her life has become. It kinda made me sad to hear that. Because it will probably be true. Its not because I didnt try to make my relationship work.. becuase I did. Each day I am preparing myself for a new angel to appear. I can admit, I am having a hard time releasing my freedom.. And part of that struggle it that I will have to carry it alone. What makes me sad at times is when I see married couples, and pregnant women who have their partners with them.. It makes me feel alone. I am hoping that this feeling will pass after the baby gets here. I have to prepare myself for my ex to at some point to have a new woman in his life. That is never easy to face. I think that is the worst of my fears.. To one day have to face the fact that he has made time for someone else, knowing that I tried.. Knowing that I accepted his situation and kids no matter how hard the struggle was. All these things run through my mind. I have decided to put wanting to be in a relationship on hold. Well I dont have a choice, because of the baby.. But in general. I realized that that has been the one desire of my heart since I got pregnant with my oldest child. I wanted to become married. Every realtionship ended up with someone lying or cheating on me… Or either they didnt have the time to put into a relationship.. I was always the one that was ready. So that dream is not longer a focus point for me. I dont want to say that I have given up, but I will say that I am not going to try so hard to try and feel loved by a man. I am going to accept my life as it is. This has been the hardest journey for me.. mostly because I gained an extra person. I will keep praying that everyday this gets easier. If its meant for me to fall in love again in my future, I pray that its in God’s time… and not my own.
My first true love was my oldest daughter.. She is the true definition of what love is. Everyday she shows me the meaning if true love. All these years I have been searching for love and trying to please the right man, when love was sitting here in my face. As she enters her senior year in highschool, she has more than exceeded my expectations as a mom. I raised her as a single mom on my own. Of course with the help of my family, but 90% of it was on me. So now here I am pregnant with my second child. A child that was unexpected… Caught me off guard. I will admit, that it has taken me some time to get to this day.. It has been a rough pregnancy as far as my emotions, my life, and my overall mindset. Between having a bad breakup to not being prepared to deal with having another child.. I have been an emotional wreck. So here I am today, awaken by this little person in my womb.. Moving her little feet.. And I realize.. I will fall in love for a second time.. Nothing else should.matter except her.. She didnt ask to be here.. She didnt ask for this stress.. But what she deserves is to be loved. Even before she is born… She deserves to be treated with love. Although I am still struggling with my break up, I have to realize that she is more important. She is something special. I have to make sure that if no one else loves her, that she knows that I do. I never wanted to be a single parent again.. And I dont know what her relationshio will be like in the future with her father.. At this point it doesnt look like he will give the same treatment as his other children.. But all I can do is pray that he will make her feel just as special.. I cant wait to see what she looks like.. I love how my daughters face lights up when she talks about finally having a sister.. Its so funny.. She wants to buy matching outfits for them.. It puts a smile on my face and tears in my eyez when I think of my children.. No longer singular.. But plural. Two of them.. I looking forward to falling in love all over again.
I can honestly say that I havent really been angry about this whole situation until today. It all came crashing down on me at once today. It started when I saw a couple with a baby in the store, and how attentive and helpful he was to her. Now you might say I dont know if that is as perfect as it looks.. Doesnt matter. He was there. I am not bitter, but I am mad that I feel like I wasted my time. I put so much love, sweat, tear, energy, emotions, and whatever else feeling you want to throw in there into a man that at the end of the day has moved on and didnt even put in half of what I did. I am mad at myself. I am mad that I didnt stick to my thoughts the first time. Im mad that kept giving it chances. You know why I did that? Because I am thinking “This is what you do when you love someone”.. I have run from the relationships that I have been in, because I didnt want to get hurt. They have all cheated on me. So this time I am thinking. “You know, I can give this a try and not run because he didnt cheat”. I cant prove that he didnt cheat with someone else, because the way things seem to have gone…. Someone else may have made it easy for him to not look back. But he did cheat me on the time and support that I was looking for. Something that on a regular basis, he said he couldnt give me. Things that he said he would do, but never did. Yet, I was constantly trying to do things to provide solutions on how we could spend time together. It got to the point that I was begging for his time… And each day he got worse and worse. Almost like he didnt even notice I was there. Like something else had his attention. So now I here I am today thinking of all the energy I put into my ex. I think of the text messages he sent me telling me that all he needed was my understanding to his situation. However, he wasnt trying to do anything outside of his situation to make things better.. Yet he wanted my support and understanding. Then to top it off. He wanted our future child to understand by getting weekend treatment. I am MAD as hell today. I think about all the stuff that I have to adjust in my life to accomodate having a new child. Daycare=250 a week, Still trying to maintain my career and move up. My job can be demanding at times, and they arent going to expect a child to interfere with that. Dropping her off and picking her up=me… if she gets sick=me.. Later nights and early mornings=me.. trying to find a new home for bigger living space=me. Not to mention that I have to add her to my insurance that will increase up to 300 something a pay period. WHERE AM I GOING TO GET ALL THIS MONEY FROM???? I have no clue. Although I made the choice to end the relationship, it wasnt like he was trying to make accomodations for me anyway. I wish he hadnt told me when I first got pregnant that he was going to be there for me and support me. HE LIED!! His whole story changed. He claims that I dont think what he has going on is relevant.. Not true.. He thinks that I dont know what it means to meet half way… Not true. His main concern is for his other children right now. I can understand that, and I have been understanding to that for the last 10 months. I have waited in the background and played my role. So now here I am needing help… And I am going to be stuck! HE LEFT ME HANGING! Left me hanging before the baby even arrived. So now that all of his children will be in his living area, I know that I will not be able to get the help that I need.. Hell, I cant even get a case of water when I asked for it. I miss my simple little life with me and my daughter.. People were looking at me crazy for taking on so much baggage from a man, when I didnt have all that. I looked and them and said that I love him, and what he was showing me at the time was someone who really loved me as well. All that mess changed.. I was loving him way more that he was loving me, and I was showing it. I may have been single, but it seemed like toward the end I was single in a relationship too. You would think I would be used to this type of crap, because I had the same BS happen 16yrs ago… NO! This hurts more… More because he made it seem like he was going to be there for me.. Now he is no where to be found. The most I can get is a phone call once a week.. or every other day.. This isnt to say I cant do this on my own.. Because I can.. Butbthe point is.. I shouldnt have to.. I didnt make her alone..I hate my situation, I hate having to struggle, I hate having to feel like I will never get my true dream.. Which is to have someone not only love me, but show me that they have the time, affection and attention it takes to BUILD a relationship. This relationship never stood a chance, because I was willing to put in more time and effort to make our bond stronger than he did.. He wanted my understanding, and he had it. However, he didnt try harder to understand mine. As a provider, you get a GOLD star!! Providing his time..He failed with flying colors.. I hate having to carry this burden alone. I wasnt prepared to raise a child on my own..again.. I wasnt prepared for the extra stuff that comes along with it. The fact that he was talking big mess about us doing this TOGETHER helped to allow me to prepare to make the adjustments. Alot of this is from hurt, because he wants this to be my fault. Saying that I didnt understand his situation. I put my all into this relationship, and all I wanted in return was some extra time. All I got was excuses and at the end of it all.. Pointing of the finger. Then he said I didnt know how to love?!? Ugh! I may not be perfect, but Dammit I am a good woman, and I take care of and support my man.. Period! This NEVER seems to be enough.. I swear sometimes if I was a true bitch, I would probably get more respect.. I know I can leave with a clean heart, because I did try. However it doesnt change the fact that I am angry right now….The End! I will be better tomorrow… Its a new day.
I found out something today that really put me in a serious funk… Caused some emotions to come flooding down. I wont say what I saw, but I will say that it is pertaining to my ex. I dont know if God wants me to really, really get this guy out of my system, but it is looking this way. I will just say that the man that I thought he was… he isnt. How do people just move on so quickly after claiming to be in love with someone? Is there that big a difference between a man an a woman? It seems that men move on quicker. They end up sleeping with a new woman, and your last relationship isnt even cold yet. Better yet, they were probably sleeping around while he was with me. So here I am pregnant.. Cant talk to anyone new if I wanted to. I cant even talk to anyone after the baby gets here. I mean lets be honest. Who is going to talk to a woman with a newborn. Granted my focus will be on the baby, but the point I am trying to make is.. I AM STUCK! And he is not.. He is just moving on and sleeping around.. The crazy thing is.. He stopped sleeping with me a long time ago.. Prior to our break-up a month ago. So that should have been a red flag then. Or maybe when I saw a bottle of KY warming gel in his room, and we havent even been together. Yeah.. that was probably a good indication that he was moving on. Here I am still sad, and loving this man, and what I see today lets me know that I was a non MF’ing factor. I have the worst choices in men.. I truly know how to pick’em. So now I am hot, fat and stuck.. I realized this much. I was a fly by night piece.. It wasnt meant for me to get pregnant. So when this happened, he tried to play the part.. HE couldnt do it. So I made the choice to let it go due to his lack of commitment. He got what he wanted. And out! If he really wanted to be with me, he would have made the effort to keep us together.. Im tired of putting in overtime in relationships, and the men are calling in sick on me. What I saw hurt the hell out of me, but let me know. I made the right choice. All I can do is keep praying to God to heal my heart. Dang.. And I hadnt cried since Wednesday.
